learn that forever and a day really doesn’t mean that. learn that it means that i will always love you, but we will never be together. learn that breaking up is really like an eternity of sadness experienced in one day. cry. scream. beg. refuse to accept it. call a hundred times and ask him why. you deserve to know.

recall your first kiss and how long you had anticipated that moment. that first kiss was the worst you had ever experienced. recall how you wondered what the hell he was doing and how he even considered that kissing. taste cinnamon gum. taste cigarettes. taste whatever he ate last. try to stifle your reaction.

remember how you became addicted to whatever he liked. you only chewed cinnamon gum. you still only chew cinnamon gum. you began smoking. you’ve since quit, but you remember graciously taking the first cigarette he offered. remember how you always, always, listened to the music he liked. it became your favorite. you knew all of the lyrics. remember how he smiled as you sang along to his favorite song. remember how pitiful you truly are.

reflect on all of the things you changed about yourself. dressing for him. watching  movies he wanted. becoming friends with his friends. reading articles and books, listening to music solely with the intention of impressing him or introducing him to things he hadn’t yet discovered. reflect how you began to forget what you did for you. suffer an identity crisis. suffer.

reminisce over that first argument and how after you shouted fuck you you apologized and begged for forgiveness. think hard. revel in the pained expression as it ripped across his face. regret apologizing. think of every time you apologized for reasons you’re not even certain. wish you'd had more backbone. regret every apology.

remember the day at the a friend’s beach birthday party, a few days after you broke up. drive with him on the way there. sit up front. imagine everything is alright, that there’s still hope. watch that disintegrate. feel the tears burning your eyes as you watch another girl straddle him in the sand. begin to hate that girl and everything she’s associated with. begin to hate him. begin to hate yourself for being weak. let it sink in. feel alone. feel the sand stick to your feet as you leave the beach with another friend.

promise yourself to never feel like this again. not even a year after, when he calls and says he misses you. not even two or more years later when you’re away at college and he messages you just to say hello. promise yourself that if you ever see him again, you’ll realize that although he’s saying everything you want to hear, he’s a few years late. don’t look into his eyes, they will shine sincerity. you already know you aren't good at deciphering the truth behind his confessions, and you already know his eyes will lie for him. tell him you can’t. tell him you won’t. tell him you’re done. you're done.